わたしの名前はエリ。映画『エイリアン』からとった名前らしい。変わった由来は嫌いじゃないけど、エリという名前が持つ女性的な響きはあまり気に入っていない。そもそも子供の頃からずっと自分自身が女性だということが受け入れられなくて「エリ”ちゃん”とか呼ばれるのまじ勘弁」って感じだったんだけど、女であることも、この名前も、とりあえず丸ごと受け入れないと大変なことが色々あるって信じ込んで、暗示というか、呪いみたいなものを自分にかけて今まで生きてきた。

きっとみんなも自分の性別なんてとりあえず受け入れてるだけで、本当は男女という区別はたいして存在しないのだと勝手に思っていたのだけれど、でもどうやらそうではないということが、最近ようやくわかってきた。

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この作品を最初に出展したあいちトリエンナーレは作家の男女比率を同じにしたことが大きな話題となった。それは大切で、大きな一歩だったように思う。でも一方で、男はこうだ、女はこうだと、喧々諤々の議論が起きているのをみて、やっぱり世界は男と女をきっぱり分けて考えているのかもしれないと驚いてしまった。そして、自分が女性の名前を持ち、女性という性別があてがわれていることに、再び並々ならぬ感情が押し寄せてきた。それは怒りに近い感覚であったように思う。

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だから私は、性別を超えた人たちに会いにいくことにした。

性別を変え、自分の名前を変えた人たちだ。

名前には二つの情が含まれている。

親の愛情と、性別という情報。

故に重くて、やっかいだ。

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でもだからこそ、その人たちが自分自身で決めた新しい名前は、まるで名前そのものが叫んでいるようにみえたのだ。

名前に込められた親の愛とか、社会の常識とか、空気とか、

たくさんの配慮しなくちゃいけないものがあるこの世界で、

遠慮し続けてたまるかと、名前が吠えているようにみえたのだ。

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だから私はその名前を叫びたくなった

もう何にも遠慮はいらない

他人のためでなく

自分のために

自分で決めた

新しい名前を

声枯れるまで

大きな声で

叫ぼう

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My name is Eri, which sounds like a name taken from the movie "Alien." I'm not bothered by its origins, although I don't really like the feminine quality of my name. In the first place, no one has really accepted me as a girl since I was a child, and I felt as if people were almost sorry to treat me as a girl. I believe that having a name like this, as well as the reality of being a girl, are things that would cause serious issues if I can't even accept them to begin with. Rather than a clue to who I am, this is something like a curse that has accompanied me till today.

 

I have always thought that individuals merely think of their own gender as a matter of convention and that there was no genuine distinction between being a man and a woman, but it finally dawned on me recently that this was not the case.

 

The decision by this Aichi Triennale that the art work was exhibited  to feature the same number of male and female artists has attracted great interest. I believe that this is important and a significant step that must be taken. However, I was surprised to find everyone constantly debating on what men are like and what women are like, and how the world tends to think of the two genders as somehow completely separate from each other. Also, the way in which I was assigned the gender of "female," as well as my feminine name, made me feel an intense surge of emotions. I can safely say that it's close to a feeling of anger.

 

That's why I have decided to go and meet people who transcend "gender."People who have 　changed their gender and their own name.Our names carry two kinds of "jō (情)," the Japanese word for feeling or information: the love from our parents as well as information regarding our gender.That's why names carry so much weight and mean so much.

 

But that's precisely the reason why new names that people have given themselves appear as if they are screaming out loud.These new names are crying out and asking if we will continue holding back and tolerating all these things contained within our names that we ought to prioritize, such as our parents' love, social norms and attitudes, and so on.

 

That's why I want to scream their names out loud

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There's no need to hold back any longer

Not for anyone else

But for myself

Decided on my own

This new name

Which I will continue to scream aloud

Until my voice dies